Note: The deadline for submissions for the advice columnist position has now passed. Keep watching the Independent for further developments in the selection process.
Dear Indie:
My husband, “Cosmo,” and I have been married for almost a year and are very happy. He is the most loving man I know and a wonderful stepfather to my three young children. We were both married before, and in fact Cosmo was still married when we met and fell in love.
This created a messy situation. He comes from a big family, many of whom — most painfully his mother and older sister — judged me harshly for being “the affair.” They were not at our wedding and only recently, because they do love my children, have become more accepting of me.
My husband’s father died two weeks ago. Cosmo’s ex, who is a nurse and was on the scene, was the first to comfort him.
Now she and Cosmo’s mother are planning a big family gathering to celebrate his father’s life. The ex was close to many of his family members, while I haven’t even met most of them yet. I feel out of place and unwanted. I even wonder whether I should attend at all.
I am confused about my place in Cosmo’s family and suddenly anxious that this situation may lead him to return to his ex. Help!
[signed]: Newly Re-wed
Dear Indie:
My neighbor and I have different ideas of what constitutes a nice lawn. My yard has grass that can turn brown in dry spells, mature trees and some perennial gardens that may not be Martha Stewart-caliber but keep the butterflies and bees happy. My neighbor clear-cut his property to make it look like a golf course, with a bright green lawn and a swimming pool.
The other day I noticed that my brush pile was gone. My neighbor happened to be outside and told me that he’d had it removed. This would have required more than a casual effort, as the pile is not directly adjacent to his lot but inside a thicket across the shell road that separates our properties.
It’s nice that I don’t have to do it myself now, but I don’t like that my neighbor took it upon himself to clean up part of my yard because he didn’t like the way it looked.
How should I respond?
[signed]: Dandelion Hugger
Dear Indie,
I am in my late 70s, a lifelong liberal who supports LGBTQ rights. I am also a college English professor, so can I please be frustrated about the use of the word “they” when referring to an individual?
I respect all people’s right to identify as they wish, but I think we need to adopt a new singular pronoun that makes it obvious one is referring to an individual who does not want to be addressed as he/him or she/her. Also, I feel that if someone is nonbinary that person should let others know right away so that there is no accidental offense given or taken.
In my college classes we go around the room on day one so that all can state their preferred pronouns, but in the adult world that doesn’t happen. I just want to do the right thing. But how?
[signed] Him
Dear Indie,
In June I went on an internet date at the urging of my mother, who was worried I’d never get back on my feet after my last boyfriend dumped me. She’s okay with my being gay, mostly because I am an only child, but she can be nosy about my choices.
I matched with a date who seemed interesting, if a bit “normal” for me. We met at a bar, had a drink, moved on to dinner, sharing laughs and many common interests. He was vague about his current job and I understood that he was in some kind of live-in work situation.
Carefree and fueled by margaritas, I agreed to go back to his place. Caught up in conversation on the long drive, I didn’t realize where we were going until I stepped out into the parking lot of a funeral home. He met my look of surprise with “I know it seems weird. I’m the temporary caretaker here but I have a completely separate apartment.” He did, and due to our whirlwind romance, once my summer rental in P’town ends I am heading up Cape to move in with him.
I am afraid to tell my mom because he’s not Jewish, but especially because I will be living in a funeral home. What should I do?
[signed] Sitting Shiva-ring
