Hey, Bro. We need to talk. It’s about the elves.
I ran into Jingles last week. No, not the guy in Provincetown. The elf. It was all shop talk until, out of the blue, he asked, “Sandy, what is the Claus family net worth?” It was weird, but, you know, Christmas is always stressful for the wee ones.
Then I ran into Sprinkles a couple of days after that, and they said an elf on a shelf (who asked to remain anonymous) had reported that we are rich. Capital R rich. Apparently, they overheard some kids talking to their parents. They did an internet search and found multiple credible sources.
Yesterday, Bubbles texted me a link to an interview you did. When they asked you about paying the elves, you said, “Do keep in mind that the elves love to make toys and they don’t think of it as a job. It’s their favorite thing to do.”
Santa! WTF? That statement did not age well.
Then, this morning, I find this: “The Santa Index 2020: A 2% increase for a beloved essential worker.” It says you deserve a raise and makes it look like you do all the work. Seriously? You haven’t wrapped a gift in 200 years, and you know it.
I don’t like to insert myself into the daily business, but the elves are starting to feel taken advantage of. It’s 2020. You cannot compensate your workforce with candy canes! You can’t send them around the planet to scout out the naughty and nice and pretend that they don’t see the world changing around them. They see your face plastered everywhere. There’s an official Claus Toothpaste now? Is there anything you won’t put your, excuse me, our name on? What’s next? Santa Steaks?
I didn’t say anything when you signed off on the “sexy Santa” suit, which, frankly, is a Santa version of a midlife crisis, but I can’t sit by anymore and watch you trash our family’s brand.
Listen, you know I love you, Bro. You’ve been in this business a long time. I respect that. But trust me when I tell ya, we need to fix this. The last thing we need is an elf uprising. The logistics of delivery night are already gonna be tricky enough this year.
The bottom line is this: the elves are the backbone of the operation. You have to start thinking redistribution of wealth. You can’t just throw candy at this one anymore.
Sandy Claus (Kristen Becker) is Santa’s “older, gayer, drunker sister.” She is appearing this weekend at Spindler’s in Provincetown.