PROVINCETOWN — I was having lunch recently with a friend who loves food and restaurants as much as I do. We always have a blast together, laughing pretty much nonstop, and he must have really enjoyed his lunch this time, because there wasn’t a trace left on his plate.
When the server came by to clear the table, she asked how we liked everything.
“I hated it!” he said. “Can’t you tell?”
I witnessed the server’s soul briefly leaving her body, a forced smile the best she could muster as she concentrated all her will into keeping her eyes from rolling out of their sockets.
“I’m glad,” she offered weakly before retreating to the far side of the restaurant.
My friend, ever intuitive, asked what I thought the server’s problem was.
“Don’t be that guy,” I told him. “She’s probably heard that joke a dozen times today.”
Before paying the bill, I ran down the street to buy a card, put a 40 percent tip in it, and handed it to our server. “Sorry about that,” I told her.
Then I told my friend I was going to write about “Guys Not to Be” in a restaurant and thanked him for the inspiration. He suggested it would only be fair if I wrote some advice for bartenders and waiters, too, and I agreed. So here it is.
Dear servers, please don’t be that guy who:
1. Got into the service industry even though he doesn’t like people. If you are just starting out, ask yourself: Do I have an intrinsic liking for humanity? Do I enjoy being around a lot of people for hours on end? If the answer to either question is no, do not take a job in a restaurant. If you are working in one to pay for school, graduate and move along. If you are working in a restaurant because you haven’t decided what you want to do with your life, go to law school. Lawyers can get away with a general disdain for humans in a way that servers cannot, and the pay is much better.
2. Derives pleasure from telling people “no.” Sometimes servers grow bitter because they’ve been performing a relatively low-power job for many years. Telling people “no” is a quick fix for a desire for power. But the restaurant industry is part of the hospitality industry, and a genuine desire to be kind should be what guides you. This is not to say that you should do whatever ridiculous thing your guests ask you to do, but you should at least want to say yes. We have to follow the law and whatever rules are dictated by the company or the despot in the kitchen, but try to be sympathetic when breaking it to someone that no, they cannot rearrange items on the menu to create something that is going to make the chef’s head explode.
3. Doesn’t carry his weight on the team. You know who I’m talking about. The guy who’s always late, wants to leave early, does the least amount of side work, the guy who thinks or says about certain tasks, “That’s not my job,” the guy who doesn’t realize that he just isn’t as good at the job as everyone else on the team. It’s OK to be the weakest link. Just be self-aware about it. Make up for it by being extra charming and wearing cute socks.
Try being the guy who lifts others up, who does things that “aren’t her job,” whose name on the schedule makes everyone else go, “I’m working with her tonight? Yay!”
There you have it, my comprehensive and definitive list of Guys Not to Be, servers’ edition. Next time: Guys Not to Be, patrons edition.
Bob Keary has been working in Provincetown restaurants and bars since 2005.
