I was a little taken aback this week when I read Dennis Minsky’s column about picking a grave site. He’s right, of course, about taking care of these things ourselves and not leaving them to our survivors. Still, it was a dark piece, even with Dennis’s usual light touch.
This week also saw us putting together our special section on the Class of 2021, and we were immersed in their expressions of gratitude, adventurousness, and hope for the future. I wondered if there might still be some hope for us old-timers’ future, too.
Then I read a report in the New York Times on the development of driverless cars, and even though it called them “a frustratingly fickle technology,” it’s clear they’re a vision us Baby Boomers can’t look away from.
Are you worried about the loss of freedom and fun from having to give up driving as your senses, joints, and reaction time deteriorate? I did a little research and, sure enough, the automotive industry has plans to keep us merrily rolling along, even if we have no idea where we’re going, or why.
The new self-driving Subaru Thrownoutback is perfect for the aching sacroiliac sufferer. The fully reclining ergonomic seats perform 16 different varieties of massage, including biodynamic, trigger point, and lomilomi, while the automated full bar dispenses nine varieties of painkiller as the robot navigator gets you safely to your chiropractor appointment.
If you like riding high, consider the new Ford F-350 Tremor, the driverless version of the immensely popular F-150 truck series. The other driverless cars on the road will be getting out of the way when their sensors see you coming in this monster. Quadrophonic speakers will make you forget your troubles as they turn the cab of your Tremor into an earthquake!
For serious fans of the 45th president, there’s the HumVee Bumrunner, which comes with an exclusive computer program that tells you if you are being driven through a state that confers legal immunity on vehicles that run over protesters. It comes with its own political barometer.
Aging hippies, meanwhile, will enjoy the new Volkswagen Golden Oldie, modeled on that 1967 Beetle that we all loved. It comes equipped with a complete library of 1950s, ’60s, and ’70s mixtapes, cued up on your verbal command.
Still in the prototype stage, but causing quite a buzz in VC circles, is the Chevrolet Charon, an exciting new “crossover” model that comes with the patented Styx-shift®.
And finally, word has leaked out that there will soon be an announcement of the new Lincoln Incontinental, a godsend for those who dread those long drives with not enough rest stops. The technical details of its luxurious appointments are still top secret. But that’s the car I’m waiting for.
Come on, Dennis, won’t you join me? Let’s go for a joy ride when I get my Lincoln. Maybe we’ll even pick up some hitchhikers.
