The Quarrel: Maggie and Nora are currently single-ish former college roommates. In May 2019, the roommates had a Category Five argument over the Game of Thrones finale. They haven’t texted since, but have been studiously tracking each other’s financial transactions on Venmo.
The Resolution: Mid-afternoon on Valentine’s Day, Maggie must text Nora: “Hey.” This will open up communication immediately. We advise not rehashing the controversial finale on this day of love — just let napping cats rest. Also, Maggie, do not under any circumstances mention that on Thursday you noticed that Nora paid $159 to someone named “Dave from Orleans” for “greens.” Seems like an awful lot of money for salad! But we’re not here to judge.
The Quarrel: Robert and Lance have been married for three years and reside in Provincetown. Lance’s Aunt Clarice has a significant birthday celebration on Sunday the 14th in New York City. (Aunt Clarice requested that her age not be mentioned here, but it sounds like chickadee, or celibacy.) The seven party attendees will be Covid-tested before, during, and after the celebration. Lance promised Robert, who refuses to attend, that he won’t catch a Covid variant germ floating in New York City air, but he can’t miss Aunt Clarice’s party because she paid for Lance’s real estate license when he was younger and lost(er), and he didn’t actually end up being a broker.
The Resolution: Robert, tell Lance not to return home to P’town unless he has enough takeout from Zabar’s to make you forget that he missed Valentine’s Day. There’s slim pickings when it comes to eating in February on the Outer Cape, unless you cook it yourself, and you are so sick of cooking. Lance must drop the cooler by the back door, and sleep in the car until he gets an additional negative Covid test. Lance’s takeout order best include two chocolate babkas and a dozen half-moon cookies because, under the best of circumstances, there are still two more weeks of February.
The Quarrel: Kyle and Janine are sophomores at Nauset Regional High School. Dating since Thanksgiving, these two are determined to have an indoor tryst on this holiday reserved for love (and, for many, chocolate with a side of despair). The classmates are in algebra 2 class twice a week, but their chairs are six feet apart, and Janine won’t wear her glasses, so she hasn’t truly seen Kyle in focus since freshman year, aside from occasionally on Snapchat. When Janine shared her intentions to meet her amour for dinner on Sunday, Janine’s mother “yelled,” “You are not allowed to be indoors with Kyle on Valentine’s Day or any other day — we’re still in a goddamn pandemic!” Then, her father added, “This is not up for discussion.” Kyle’s parents wouldn’t know if Kyle had a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or a pet koala. He doesn’t share a lot, these days. Kyle has three younger siblings who are remote “learning” at home, and his parents haven’t been on a date since last Valentine’s Day.
The Resolution: Young love! We need more information. Regardless, Kyle and Janine should not dine indoors on Valentine’s Day, because Janine’s parents said “no,” and we have a new president, people, and will indoor dining even exist by Valentine’s Day? Kyle and Janine, we love and support you. Please text amongst yourselves a picnic menu, and meet at the Wellfleet Town Hall benches at 4 p.m. on Sunday the 14th. Wear coats! Yes, it’s technically a late afternoon Valentine’s dinner, but we all want to observe this relationship to see if it has legs, and we can’t see in the dark. Kyle, bake something for dessert, and bring a blanket — chivalry is not dead. Janine, if the pandemic ends, and you are still with Kyle, ask him to run into CVS and grab you some tampons. If he refuses: “Thank you. Next!”