Mercy Cruise Brings TP to Provincetown
By Edward Miller
PROVINCETOWN — A desperate shortage of toilet paper in Outer Cape stores is about to be alleviated. Details of a secret arrangement between the town and the Carnival Cruise Line leaked to the Independent reveal that an emergency shipment of one million rolls of the tissue has arrived in Provincetown Harbor aboard one of the company’s now idled ships. Carnival Cruise management welcomed the deal because of an unexpected toilet paper glut in the company’s warehouses.
The ship is too large to dock at any Provincetown wharf; the toilet paper, packed in cases of 96 rolls each, will be transferred from the mother ship to MacMillan Wharf for distribution. An armada of small fishing and pleasure craft is being assembled to carry out this mission of mercy. The toilet paper transfer from the deep channel where the cruise ship is anchored to the residents anxiously waiting on shore is being coordinated by Jay Critchley; boat owners are asked to call him for more information.
The Provincetown Board of Health has called an emergency meeting for Friday, April 3, at 6 a.m. to develop guidelines for toilet paper distribution. Other Cape Cod towns have demanded a share of the bounty in proportion to their relative population, but town officials favor keeping the paper close to home. Select Board Member Bobby Anthony has moved that Provincetown should allow Truro, Wellfleet, and Eastham to have some.
Some townspeople feel strongly that the tissue should be restricted to year-round residents.
“The second-home owners should have thought to bring their own,” said Allotta Vitriole, a member of the sewer commission. “We need every one of those rolls.”
The toilet paper did come at a price. Carnival Cruise Line demanded a payment of $1 million to cover the costs of transporting the shipment from Florida and “restocking.” An anonymous donor has offered to put up the $1 million in cash. Wellfleet Select Board Member Helen Miranda Wilson has denied being the donor.
Carnival Will Be ‘Flying High’ in August
By Howard Karren
PROVINCETOWN — The COVID-19 crisis can claim one less victim: Carnival 2020 will not be canceled.
The week-long celebration, scheduled for Aug. 15 to 23 and organized by the Provincetown Business Guild, changed its theme from “Holiday” to “Flying High,” Bob Sanborn, the guild’s executive director, announced on Monday.
“The new theme is more than just a metaphor,” Sanborn said. “All events during Carnival will actually take place up in the air, in order to increase the space between celebrants and allow them to avoid contact with one another.”
A host of airborne vehicles are being rented to accommodate parties in the sky. The Women’s Innkeepers are planning a Dyke Dirigible, and a Bear Blimp is one idea being floated by the Provincetown Bears. Inspired by the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, a dozen massive character balloons will be registered for the Carnival parade on Thursday in lieu of truck-drawn floats. People will be able to observe the balloons, which will be cartoon caricatures of such LGBTQ celebrities as Pete Buttigieg, Ellen DeGeneres, RuPaul, Elton John, Lea DeLaria, and Lil Nas X, from decks, lawns, and the town beach.
“This year, when we talk about floats, we’ll really mean it!” Sanborn quipped.
There won’t just be balloons on parade day, Sanborn added. Homo Hot Air Balloons will offer intimate rides leaving from Motta Field when weather permits. Homo Helicopter rides can be commissioned at Provincetown Airport. For solo flyers, the Pilgrim Monument and Provincetown Museum is hoping to launch hang gliders from High Pole Hill.
“The possibilities are endless,” Sanborn enthused.
The police dept. announced that prohibitions on carrying drinks outdoors and smoking marijuana in public will be suspended. “When the guild changes the Carnival theme to ‘Flying High,’ we take that literally,” Chief James F. Golden said. “There’s no reason to coop people up in bars if social distancing is the aim. The Provincetown police have been dealing with the unique conditions of Carnival for years. We’re not going to let a deadly virus spoil a good time.”
Wellfleet Man Invents Wicked Whittling App
By K.C. Myers
WELLFLEET — Frustrated by the inconvenience of whittling real wood, a local man has developed an app that allows users to virtually pare down twigs with a smartphone.
“Last week I got a wicked splinter,” said Alonzo Bunting, 67, of North Wellfleet. “So I threw my knife away, cracked open a Narragansett, and started coding.”
The resulting “WhittlTyme” app has already been downloaded by several members of a beaver lodge north of Manitoba, said Bunting. Users can select a cutting implement and a type of wood — even federally protected trees.
“Yesterday I made a toothpick out of a redwood,” said Bunting.
The “Adam and Eve” level allows two-player competition, as contestants race to turn the Tree of Knowledge into a napkin holder. Upgrades are on the way, including a “Just Burn the Damn Thing” option for players with limited time.
When asked if he hoped to become rich and famous from his invention, Bunting sneered, “I don’t give a rat’s ass — just pass me a beer.”