Wellfleet officials recently described the town’s financial records as “a ball of yarn continually unraveling” and told this newspaper that “more than 1,000 errors were corrected in the town’s books for fiscal year 2020.” Now, in an effort to pull the town out of ruin, a GoFundMe campaign has been set up by the select board.
The board is encouraging all friends of Wellfleet to dig deep in their pockets and to donate “as if the town’s future depends on it.” This week, the select board shared its planned donation incentive structure with the Independent.
GoFundMe Town of Wellfleet
Seventeen dollars raised of the $1.3 million dollar goal.
This generous donation gets you a coveted Wellfleet Marketplace Discount Card. For years, this red paper card has been the envy of all Wellfleet visitors. There’s nothing like having one folded up in your wallet.
A complete set of purple bags. This includes all three sizes. Pay-As-You-Throw just got even easier. No more scanning the shelves for the cheerful and non-decomposable purple P.A.Y.T. trash bags. No more rubbish overtaking your she-shed because you abandoned your compost pile and think the transfer station smells like hot garbage. You’ll be dump-run-ready, but remember, not on Wednesdays or Thursdays until Memorial Day.
Swing your partner! For just a few Benjamins you can be the official caller at the square dance on the second Wednesday in August 2023. This is a one-time offer, and the caller must promise to include the Bunny Hop to avoid a riot in the parking lot. Pro tip: after your last call, sprint down the far right side of the pier to be the first in line for soft-serve.
Blindfolded, you will be taken by a trusted guide to the most hidden pond in Wellfleet. No, you can’t Google Maps this gem. Locals have kept this heavenly pond a secret for over 60 years. The name of this pond is in a vault in a private residence passed down by 11 generations of Mayflower descendants. They requested their names not be included in this story, but “the Lopkins” have committed to a matching donation in this category.
OysterFest Fast Pass includes two folding chairs by the bandstand with your names on them, plus a parking spot for Saturday within a three-mile radius of the venue.
Every-day amnesty at the transfer station! Worried about that sagging floral couch and that decade of Gourmet magazines that are too glossy to recycle? This reward has your name on it. Fine, the polar bears can’t hunt on your watch because you made the glaciers melt even faster. But after your generous donation, celebrate one full year of throwing it all out at the dump.
A year-round rental! If you have spent any off seasons in Wellfleet, you are well aware that May is a total ass-kicker. The tourists roll in with their good haircuts and optimism, and you are frantically packing your bags but have nowhere to unpack them. You have carried out this rigmarole 14 times in 15 years, and it never gets easier. End this cycle of couch-surfing with your generous donation.
* Details on this offer TBD. If you have any leads on year-round housing in Wellfleet for a family of five, max, and two senior cats, please email the select board.
No more splinters. The (insert your nickname) Wellfleet Elementary School Playground. Named for you, or in memory of someone you loved who had a fondness for slides.
$1.3 million donation
Wow. So cool. Congratulations! You are now the Mayor of Wellfleet. After your check has cleared, head to town hall and request an office overlooking the town green.