As Jan. 20, 2021, creeps closer, and with experts describing the atmosphere at the White House as “tense,” it is looking like it may be time to get beyond alternative facts and start considering alternative transitions of power. Here are the top 10 suggestions from America’s outermost edge, according to polls conducted among the crowds gathered to watch the Wellfleet Harbor dredge.
- Rock, Paper, Scissors. Biden will clearly be the paper to Donald’s rock. So, this is likely the speediest means to a definitive outcome.
- Arm Wrestling. Two out of three. May the most muscle-bound man triumph.
- Three-Legged Sack Race in the Rose Garden. In this challenge, only the vice president and vice president-elect shall compete. I’d put my money on Pence because he’s had practice. What else does a friendless child in Indiana do for fun?
- Tug o’ War. This game may be triggering for Joe, as Donald has recently filled the Pentagon with his best drinking buddies. You should see that crew throw back virgin strawberry daiquiris at Mar-a-Lago. Anyway, in this contest, Melania faces off against Dr. Jill. It’s an indoor event held in the Grand Foyer, because Melania does not visit the outdoors. Masks absolutely required, or not.
- Craft Off in the Red Room! Which future or past president can complete a macaroni portrait of Abraham Lincoln first?! (At least one contestant will become flummoxed when he gets to the beard.) Scheduled for the Red Room because, in the unfortunate event that injury occurs from those razor-sharp macaroni edges, at least the blood will blend in.
- Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Clear advantage to the Democrat. This event was originally scheduled to take place on the South Lawn, but concerns were raised that if both men were masked and blindfolded, America might panic. Location T.B.D.
- Capture the Flag. This raucous tourney features Don Jr. and Eric versus Ashley and Hunter. This was initially envisioned as a face-off between the two youngest heirs, but no one wanted to be alone with Eric.
- The Wheelchair Shove Relay. In which the Biden and Trump grandchildren push their respective contenders from the West Colonnade around the Lincoln Memorial and back. A dress rehearsal, really, because no matter who wins, he’ll be 107 years old, plus or minus, by the time he leaves the White House.
- The Bake Off. *Live-streamed from the East Wing, Mr. Biden and Mr. Trump must each bake an apple pie. The judges, Michael Cohen, Michael Stone, and Paul Manafort, will use a rigorous scaling method to appraise the results. They will be judging taste, texture, and throw factor, that is, whether the pie is dense enough to knock out Devin Nunes on the steps of the Capitol. *Streamed to accommodate any judges currently under house arrest or possibly in prison by the time the contest airs.
- It’s the Great Escape! Held in the Oval Office, this match will be competitive and suspenseful. The teams are Joe Biden and Barack Obama versus Don Trump and Bill Barr. Both the president and the president-elect have formidable strategic partners in this event. Who will exit the Oval Office first?
Jennifer Subrin founded the Comedy School on Cape Cod and lives in Wellfleet.