Wanted: Gender-nonspecific “soft butch” having most qualities of a classic soft butch (you know what they are). In addition, applicant must be mature, firm but kind, must like people, but no “people pleasers” (please!). Moreover, a good bit of gravitas, calm-in-the-face-of-chaos, and an effective staredown quality will aid with enforcement. Think of it as akin to a town crier without the yelling and bell (although if you’d like a whistle that could be discussed).
Dress: Wear the clothes that speak your name. (Although, we did come up with something we’re calling “bad-ass industrial” — a keys-on-a-keychain kind of outfit that we think will help). Also, if you wanted a shirt with a decal, we could arrange that.
Wages: $30.88 per hr. (We understand the “front line” nature of this job, as well as its attendant difficulties.) If you are able to keep masks on people without causing a rumble, there will not only be a substantial bonus at season’s end but also the enormous gratitude of our town. And what the heck, let’s throw in a free parking sticker. Please send C.V. ASAP.