Inflation has arrived at the worst possible time — the holidays. The costs associated with the traditional 12 days of Christmas gifts is up 5.7 percent from 2020, with this year’s grand total rolling in at an arresting $41,206.
As some members of the Outer Cape community are not inclined to spend over $40K gifting their true loves, we’ve provided an adapted — and affordable — purchase plan that’s locally sourced and will extract only $292.67 from your wallet. Cheers!
A partridge in a pear tree ($75)
Skip the religious symbolism of the partridge, as your true love is an atheist — or possibly Jewish — and has never even gone to church on Christmas. Acquire a tree. Woods are everywhere out here, and if you don’t have a chain saw, a garden center will sell you a young dogwood. It will look a lot like a stick, but assure your true love that, in a decade or two, there will be gorgeous pink blossoms raining down on their daughter’s backyard wedding.
Two turtle doves ($25)
A $25 donation to Wellfleet’s Audubon Sanctuary in your true love’s name will aid stunned turtles temporarily frozen on the bay side.
Three French hens (eggs) ($6)
Fresh eggs from Bob Beaulieu’s place on that dirt road off the bike path in Eastham.
Four calling birds ($0)
Free. A silent walk with your true love anywhere (though not Route 6) at dawn when the birds are the most chatty.
Five gold (st)rings ($30)
Onion strings, that is, from the food truck at Truro Vineyards. Five orders aren’t even enough. Trust us. Chef has a way with the fryer.
Six geese a-laying (-$60)
Baker’s Field, Wellfleet. We’ll pay you to remove half a dozen.
Seven swans a-swimming ($140)
Seven swan floaties for hours of pond fun and frolicking with your true love come summer 2022. Seven is important because those narrow paths are filled with floatie-popping thorns.
Eight maids a-milking ($60 per hour)
Your true love was up Googling how to pronounce Omicron (“Ah micron”? “Oh micron”?) till the wee hours of the morning. And, truth be told, he hasn’t been sleeping that well for the past 21 months and is currently too frazzled to properly scrub a bathroom. House cleaner to the rescue!
Nine ladies dancing ($0)
Free. Provincetown evening stroll through the Canteen holiday market.
Ten lords a-leaping ($0)
Free. Provincetown evening stroll through the Canteen holiday market.
Eleven pipers piping ($16.67)
is the name of a soon-to-be cannabis shop in your town. Your true love will need a pre-roll to navigate the holidays with their libertarian Uncle Walt and his anti-vaxxer “friend” Polly, who was already vegan in the early 1980s and not welcome in your home in 2021.
Twelve drummers drumming ($0)
Free. Saturday morning, Wellfleet town green.
